The following is the first part in a multi-part series that every American should read and memorize or they are simply not American, but merely Canadians wanting to be Americans, or as the French-Canadians say, poseurs.
We here at OmnipresenceMedia™ (a subsidiary of OmniGlobalCorp Industrialized Inc. Concern LTD™ and Sandy’s Homemade Sugar Cookies) are pleased to announce the release of an amazing and highly enticing documentary series. Sprawling in scope, focused in intention and aim, perhaps the greatest documentary this, or any other all-knowing media conglomerate, have ever produced. Based upon the National Bestseller The Greatest Century by noted historian and expert on Swedish hot tub culture, Percy Waugh , the series chronicles the most important and spectacular events in the 20th Century. Mr. Waugh, who also narrates the documentary, said the following regarding this monumental series: “The 20th Century is The Greatest Century. All the other ones are pretty shitty in comparison.” Boundless and inspiring, rampant and overblown, the 20th century is laid out before you, withering in glorious excess. The shimmering corners of its beginning and end are offered up in digestible entrails of stock footage and reenacted dramatizations that recede into the background of the mind, until they are lodged there, with you until your last breath―ever lasting. Now half a decade removed, we can gaze upon the 20th century with loving eyes and open pocket books. Here are just a handful of segments included in this wonderful series.
The Opening of the Greatest Century
At the opening of the 20th century, in a European country with a fair measure of sun and considerable amounts of rich black coffee, a calendar is turned by a smallish hand. The hand is wrinkled and creased in places, darkened by the sun, knuckles slightly displaced, the fingers worn by many years of labor. There is suppleness to them however, the freckles upon the skin like spots on a leopard. They are attached to woman of vast intellect and great bosom. She envisions her life spread out before her: innumerable joys yet to come and countless bakeries the world over selling her one-of-a-kind chocolate cakes and amazingly life-like wigs for women and men. The Greatest Century has begun.
Theodore Roosevelt, as part of his massive presidential marketing machine, creates life-sized dolls of himself to give to children at parades and public events. Children are subsequently frightened by the intensely realistic dolls, and refuse to leave their rooms. An over-zealous presidential aide with a background in marketing and sewing develops the “The Teddy Bear”, a plush, stuffed bear with black eyes as deep and infinite as space. The aide insists that the White House pull the Theodore Roosevelt dolls and replace them with his new creation. President Roosevelt begrudgingly agrees and the Teddy Bear is released to a nation full of fingers scratching heads. Roosevelt thinks the aide an idiot, and promptly fires him. However, years later, the Teddy Bear becomes the highest selling item since the light bulb. Edison stands in the corner of his lab, envious; furiously shaking his fists at nothing in particular.
The Artist Bound
Marcel Duchamp is revealed as a fraud, and, subsequently, all artistic movements ending in “ism”, such as Surrealism, Dadaism, Futurism and the regrettably short lived Lardism, are suppressed. Duchamp is consequently imprisoned on Elba in a room with no urinals.
America slips into the Great Depression. Alarmed, the government consults various psychiatrists and universities. Therapy sessions ensue. Much is made of the United States’ early years, its colonial upbringing. England’s frequent absence in that upbringing is also examined as a factor in the collective malaise. Other aspects are investigated, including the combined Ego and Id of the population. The country reclines and unburdens itself. Anti-depressants are prescribed by a team of young, arrogant pharmacologists, who―some say―have something to prove. The country awaits improvement. FDR speaks into a large microphone and says that America has “nothing to fear, but fear itself”. At the request of the Mental Health Establishment, many scientists, each holding several degrees, subsequently study fear itself. Progress is made. It is duly determined that we should not fear fear itself, because fear itself is lonely and vulnerable just like the rest of us. It too would like a woolen blanket wrapped around it and a glass of warm milk, a deep hug and tender, comforting words whispered into its ears.
To Be Continued…