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Archive for September, 2007

Olde Tymey Vs. New Fangled

I am often asked by those who seek my attention and approval, “Scott, why are you such a curmudgeon? You’re always talking about the ‘good old days’ in relation to everything”. To this statement I usually respond, “Well the ‘good old days’ are always appropriate to refer to in conversation because they are, in fact, good and old”. But if you still don’t believe me, I will be demonstrating this conviction with an on-going case study I like to call Olde Tymey Vs. New Fangled.

Over the next few months, decades, what have you, I will, on occasion, present two examples, one olde tymey and one new fangled, analyze the merits and deficiencies of each and then declare a winner based on the former and the latter.

Let’s get started, shall we?

 

 

Vaudeville

The saying goes, “There’s nothing like Vaudeville”.  There is a reason people say that: because, well, there really is nothing like it. Magicians, midgets, comedians, dancing raccoons, strongmen and bearded women all vied for the attention of the rapturous audience. It was a carnival, mixed with burlesque, mixed with old-world craftsmanship. What could be better?

Winner

 

 

 

American Idol

Besides an Englishman who makes supposedly wittily devastating remarks, and an endless parade of marginal singers who may or may not be cyborgs created by the Recording Industry, American Idol is seriously lacking in the bearded lady department.

Loser

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hollering Out The Window (aka Hollerin’ Out Th’ Windaw)

I for one love leaning out my second-story window and yelping at my neighbors across the street. This particular enterprise becomes more difficult when one is attempting cross-country communication/hollering. Anything to do with trans-Atlantic communication/hollering might as well be done by carrier pigeon. Plus, hollering out the window does not involve an array of banal to irritating ring tones that induce homicidal urges in CPAs from Trenton, New Jersey.

Of course, there are these: sore throats. Hollering can be taxing on the vocal chords, not to mention an annoyance for anyone that is within earshot.

Tie  

Cell Phones

I am constantly aggravated and bewildered by the sheer number of people on their cell phones talking about making a sandwich or talking to someone making a sandwich or talking to someone about getting together later and making a sandwich.

Of all the new fangled technological advancements in the last 100 years, the cell phone seems the most overrated, next to the development of Penicillin that is.

Besides causing cancer in lab rats (what doesn’t), cell phones have been known to rip a hole through the space-time continuum making it completely plausible that Dennis Miller will reappear every 200 years with a new talk show.

Cell phones, however, do have one plus side: They are the perfect size for tossing at insurance salesmen.

Tie   

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Cowboy Robot: P.I.!

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The Velvet Mustache 

The Tickler 

The Green SweaterVest 

Blue Bonnet Boy

Rainbow Master, Master of Rainbows 

Captain Shove It

James Polk and His Amazing Cabinet Crew 

The Caped Concierge 

Muskrat Man 

Hippie Girl and Captain Love-In

The Human Toe 

Man With Bat-Like Powers That Will Thrill You 

The All-Star Sphincters 

Stinky Stew and Salamander Saul 

The Thingamajig 

The Bedazzler

Spazmatron 3000

Man-Rake 

The Bearded Weasel

Son of the The Bearded Weasel

Daughter of Son of the The Bearded Weasel

Mr. Not-So-Fantastic 

The Limbless Wonder 

The Masked Accountant 

Widget Woman 

Legion of Legionaries 

Bowel Boy and Movement Girl 

Leper Lad 

Glandular Gal 

The Swollen Organ (later changed to The Swollen Organ UK due to copyright infringement)

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