Archive for December 22nd, 2009

What says Christmas more that Elvis? And what says Christmas even more than Elvis? How about a story about 1000 Elvises? Well, there you go…


Horse Elvis was arguing again with Table Lamp Elvis and Sausage Elvis (formerly Pig Elvis) in the dining room the three story dilapidated house on 5th street, the one with the pitched roof that was currently under siege from a colony of encroaching moss. The three Elvises were discussing the Surprise Birthday/Father’s Day/Exiting the Hospital Party for Mega Elvis—the King of Kings—father to all of the other Elvises that inhabited the house on a rotating basis. Horse Elvis wanted a peanut butter and banana ice cream cake with an edible picture of Mega Elvis on the top, the sort you can buy at Baskin Robbins. Table Lamp Elvis and Sausage Elvis were both of the mind that the birthday cake should be more austere, more refined—a tort or mousse of some sort. Horse Elvis whinnied and stomped his hoofs on the decaying wood floors, his towering black pompadour swaying atop his pate. Table Lamp Elvis rocked back and forth from the vibrations of Horse Elvis’ stomping, his light bulb clicking on and off. Sausage Elvis merely looked horrified at Horse Elvis’ sudden outburst, grease glistening under the tiny white jumpsuit speckled with jewels on the back side that formed the name Elvis.

     “You don’t have to get uppity!” Sausage Elvis stammered, wiping the grease from his forehead.

     “Look, I just think it should be an ice cream cake with his picture on top. I mean, who wouldn’t like that? Besides, Mega Elvis is not about fancy things like torts and such.”

     “All right, fine. We’ll go with an ice cream cake. Now, who’s in charge of decorations?”

     At that moment, Superman Elvis, and Superwoman Elvis–collectively know as the Super Couple Elvises — flew through the open window in the living room, carrying several boxes of decorations. As if on cue, a few moments later Super Couple Attorney/Accountant/Manager Elvis burst through the front door whistling “Blue Suede Shoes”, carrying a briefcase in one hand and a cell phone in the other. It was well established that Super Couple Attorney/Accountant/Manager Elvis usually appeared directly following the appearance Superman Elvis, and Superwoman Elvis.

     “We’ve got all the decorations, thankyouverymuch.” Sausage Elvis immediately struck his best Elvis pose, his top lip curling upward into the patented sneer.

     “That particular delineation of the Elvis sneer is trademarked by Superman Elvis and Superwoman Elvis, so I wouldn’t advise copying it unless you want a lawsuit.”

     “That’s enough Super Couple Attorney/Accountant/Manager Elvis, we’re among family here. No need to bring anymore lawsuits this week.”

     “Yes, fine…”

     “I’m sure we could always use more decorations, after all it is Mega Elvis.” Superman Elvis said cheerfully. Sausage Elvis stood back from the newly arrived threesome and folded his arms tightly, the stance of a defiant child. Sausage Elvis often felt usurped by the other Elvises, constantly reminded of his lowly status in the chain of Elvises. 

     Superman Elvis and Superwoman Elvis deposited the large boxes of decorations on top of the bulky, teak banquet table, and then quickly stood back, each smoothing back their pompadours adoringly. Super Couple Attorney/Accountant/Manager Elvis was busy filing the Super Couple’s taxes for the year while he was on his cell phone with the manager of a used car lot in Dayton, Ohio, making plans for the couple’s upcoming appearance at the grand opening.

     “Yes, their contracts are lengthy. You’re dealing with professionals. Yes. Yes. That’s right. Yes. No. No. Nnononononononono. No. No, that won’t do. A small photo-op at the end of the gig. Five minutes tops and then they’re gone. They have a grand opening of a tanning salon in Terra Hote, Indiana to attend later that afternoon.

     Horse Elvis blinked wetly.

     “He’s very thorough,” Table Lamp Elvis commented.

     “He ought to be for the percentage he’s taking in,” Superwoman Elvis said

     “But he’s family.”

     “Exactly. That’s why we can guilt him to work on holidays.”

     As Super Couple Attorney/Accountant/Manager Elvis dealt swiftly with various contract issues, Superman Elvis and Superwoman Elvis began hanging the previously boxed decorations about the house at lighting speed. Balloons, streamers, banners―they all went up within seconds.

     Soon more Elvises began to file into the house: Guy In A Gorilla Suit Elvis, George Clooney Elvis, ATM Elvis, Muppet Elvis, Elvis Impersonating The Early Years Elvis, Elvis Impersonating The Later Years Elvis, Soup Spoon Elvis, Sheep Dog Elvis, JFK International Airport Elvis (much too big for the house, he was told to mingle with Buckingham Palace Elvis in the backyard), Abraham Lincoln Elvis, Robot Head Elvis, Revival of All of Elvis’ Movie Musicals Elvis (this version of Elvis acted out all the roles in every Elvis movie musical including that of Elvis, his finely accurate renditions of the films often played out to a standing room audience of Elvises at Plastic Model Of String Of DNA Elvis even Evil Elvis (who was recently paroled after twenty years in prison for killing Good Elvis and was set to have his name officially changed to Recently Reformed Elvis at the county courthouse) among many others—all one thousand Elvises had RSVP’d (Mafia Elvis had made sure of this with a threatening message of his own sent in the same envelope as the invitation) and eventually be in attendance, for Mega Elvis’s Surprise Birthday/Father’s Day/Exiting the Hospital party, the largest gathering the House of Mega Elvis had ever seen.

     By the afternoon, Horse Elvis had returned with the peanut butter and banana ice cream cake, all of the decorations for the party had been hung around the house and the rest of the Elvises had arrived, all except Armored Tank Elvis who was escorting Mega Elvis home. All three stories of the house, including the basement were packed with Elvises. Elvises spilled out into the backyard, and side yards and into the front walkway and into the street in the front of the house. There was some loud grumbling about having no place to hide, until Invisible Potion Elvis had the timely idea of knitting a huge tarp that would cover all of the Elvises (to which Fancy Vest Elvis remarked in his usually condescending manner, why didn’t he come up with a potion for all of the Elvisis, he was after all Invisible Potion Elvis, to which Invisible Potion Elvis quickly admonished that he was only able to create small batches of potion at a time). And so, Woman At Quilting Bee With Large Beehive Hairdo And Poodle Sweater Elvis began knitting a gigantic quilt that would camouflage all of them before Mega Elvis arrived at the house. Once the quilt was done, all of the Elvises submerged themselves underneath the expansive, flower patterned comforter, its very size covering the entire house and yard in addition to a portion of the street. There was some “shushing” and moving of body parts at first, then the crowd quieted, breathing softly.

     The strains of “Love Me Tender” sung in a whispered refrain, echoed beneath the gigantic quilt.

     Sometime later Mega Elvis was spotted traveling slowly down 5th street, hovering in the air, held in place by ropes that were secured around various limbs, the ends fastened to Armored Tank Elvis who pulled Mega Elvis along like a float in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. His loft was minimal, just above Armored Tank Elvis. His limbs moved about slowly, his frame monolithic, at time blotting out the yolk of the sun, his prone girth almost unwieldy. When they arrived at the house, all 1000 Elvises threw off the giant quilt that Woman At Quilting Bee With Large Beehive Hairdo And Poodle Sweater Elvis had made and yelled “Surprise!” Mega Elvis looked haggard. He simply groaned, floating pass the throng of Elvises to the decrepit house that awaited him.

     Go home, he said.

     The Elvises stared.

    Go home, I need my rest.

     The Elvises lowered their heads and dragged their feet along the ground as if they were being punished.


     The Elvises flinched in unison at the sound of his booming voice.

     Mega Elvis shrunk himself down to a more manageable size so that he might fit trough the balcony doors of his third floor bedroom and once having done so, floated effortlessly through the double doors, causally releasing the ropes that had been tethered around his limbs and torso. The double doors then slammed shut behind him, leaving the Elvises, all one thousand of them, to regard one another listlessly. There was murmuring and grumbled phrases of irritation at Mega Elvis’s refusal to participate in the festivities. Finally the crowd began to disperse, leaving the house and the front and back yards, leaving the street, some, like Superman Elvis and Superwoman Elvis (followed hastily by Super Couple Attorney/Accountant/Manager Elvis on a small motor bike) and Parrot Elvis flew away into the powder-blue sky, while others climbed into their cars and drove away from the house, and still others managed on foot, like Horse Elvis and Sausage Elvis and Table lamp Elvis both of whom rode on Horse Elvis, until, a few hours later, they were all gone, all 999 of them, leaving Mega Elvis alone, in the third floor bedroom, laying on his giant guitar-shaped bed, his body still a smaller version that its usual ‘Mega’ size. He sat with the peanut butter and banana ice cream cake on his lap and slowly, deliberately, began to eat the cake with his bare hands, grabbing handfuls, raising them to his gaping mouth, until the head in the picture (his) had been completely removed and all that remained was a body, crouched in the famous Elvis Position: legs slightly splayed, one arm back the other pointing towards the horizon, pointing at something not yet revealed, but there all the same.

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