COLUMBUS: Well, here we are. India.
ADVISOR 1: I’d never thought we would make it!
COLUMBUS: Speak for yourself lowly Advisor number one. I never had any doubts. Even with that nasty outbreak of plague at the beginning of the journey that wiped out half the crew. Or that rather poorly timed spreading of gonorrhea directly following, I was always sure that we would make England proud.
ADVISOR 2: Spain.
ADVISOR 1: I’m sorry Senior Columbus for disagreeing with you. Unlike Advisor number two, I know that I am not worthy to lick your feet.
ADVISOR 2: Bite me.
ADVISOR 1: Go jump off the end of the Earth!
COLUMBUS: Gentlemen, Gentlemen. You’re both equally worthless so there is no need to fight. Now, I hear India’s got some great take out…
ADVISOR 1: Actually, that’s China I believe.
COLUMBUS: What about China?
ADVISOR 1: The take out sir.
COLUMBUS: Chinese take out? Who said anything about Chinese take out? If I wanted Chinese take out we would have gone to China wouldn’t we? Well, like they say, when in India do as the Indians do. Captain Stumpy? Where is Captain Stumpy? I bet he knows a good take out joint in the area.
CAPTAIN STUMPY: Right hear Senior Columbus. Senior, if I may, I would appreciate it if you addressed me by my actual name, Captain Limbsintact.
COLUMBUS: But look at you Captain Stumpy, you’ve got no arms or legs! You’re just a torso and a head. Captain Stumpy is a little more fitting, wouldn’t you say?
CAPTAIN STUMPY: Well, it’s just that it’s so mean, considering my current situation and all.
COLUMBUS: Captain Stumpy, I have a paper cut on my left index finger. Swabby, the deck hand, he has a hangnail. We all have our lots in life, our own particular burdens, but you don’t see us complaining do you? It’s no ones fault you’re like this, it’s just life.
CAPTAIN STUMPY: But you were the one blew off my arms and legs!
COLUMBUS: Who knew that cannon was loaded? I mean, it’s so hard to tell sometimes!
CAPTAIN STUMPY: On two separate occasions?!? First my legs and then my arms?
COLUMBUS: All right, that’s enough! I will not have dissention in the ranks! Captain Stumpy, at dawn you walk the plank!
ADVISOR 3: Sir, I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news. I’ve been doing some calculating over the past several months and, well, to tell you the truth, I don’t think we’re anywhere near India…
COLUMBUS: Ha! And just where do you think we are lowly Advisor three? Your mom’s house?
ADVISOR 1: HAHAHAHAHAHAH! Your mom’s house! That’s a good one!
ADVISOR 3: Well, I don’t know exactly. But it’s definitely not India.
COLUMBUS: Advisor number one.
ADVISOR 1: Yes, Senior!
COLUMBUS: Take a memo.
ADVISOR 1: As you wish…
COLUMBUS: Kill Advisor three in the most painful manner imaginable. The rack, the iron maiden, drawn and quartered, whatever. Just make sure it hurts. A lot.
ADVISOR 3: Jeez, dude, can’t you give me a break?
COLUMBUS: That’s Sir Dude to you, and no, I can’t. What kind of leader would I be if I didn’t set an example by killing an insolent advisor once and while? Huh? I’ll tell you what kind. (Pause) Just as soon as I make sure I have the best seat possible for your execution.
ADVISOR 3: Great…
COLUMBUS: Fantastic! In the meantime, Advisor number two, where do you think one might procure some voluptuous Indian females so that we can spread our many and varied diseases to this land as well?
ADVISOR 2: I’m sure we can find out quickly enough. I’ll send out a tweet!
COLUMBUS: Splendid! Don’t forget to mention that I am looking really ripped these days and that all the fly girls need to get on my jammy. Now, I need a good marketing slogan for this voyage. Something memorable. Ingeniously simple. Like that one from the 3rd installment of the Crusades.
ADVISOR 2: You mean, “Screw this, I’m going home.”
COLUMBUS: Precisely. If I remember correctly that marketing campaign caught on even faster than the one from Easter, “Jesus is back and He’s pissed”. Now, think! This is what I pay you people for!
ADVISOR 2: How about, “In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue.”
COLUMBUS: What? You’re serious? Are you trying to kill me with your lameness? Are you? Because that’s what you’re doing with that puke you call a slogan. I am puking now! If the Pope were here he’d be puking Pope puke all over the place because he had just heard the lamest thing in all of Christendom! How about this…. “Christopher Columbus: that guy rocks!”
ADVISOR 1: Yes, yes, I love the sound of it! It’s very late 1400s.
ADVISOR 2: Yeah, you would love it, you suck up!
ADVISOR 1: I should have eaten you on the ship when I had the chance!
ADVISOR 2: Filthy cannibal!
ADVISOR 1: I’ll kill you!
COLUMBOUS: Both of you: shut your faces! Advisor three! Advisor three!
ADVISOR 3: Yes, your explorivness!
COLUMBUS: Since you are the only one of my top advisors not currently annoying the hell out of me, I resend the execution I had planned for you: stoning followed by beheading with a small, dull paring knife. You are now Advisor number one. Advisor number one you are number two and Advisor number two you are now number three and subsequently will be killed.
ADVISOR 1: (formally Advisor 3) Yes!
ADVISOR 2: (formally Advisor 1) What-ever!
ADVISOR 3: (formally Advisor 2) This blows big time!
COLUMBUS: Now that we’ve dispensed with that unpleasantness, Advisor one, fetch me my gorilla suit.
Actual Transcript from the Journals of Christopher Columbus the Day He Landed in the Americas as Interpreted and Preformed by the Students of Mrs. Shloshky’s Eighth Grade History Class
June 2, 2009 by scottbrothers
COLUMBUS: Well, here we are. India.