Le Mutton Dyke- A refined combination of the VanDyke and Mutton Chops which brings an air of aristocracy to any occasion involving fraud and or philandering. Also good for pistols at dawn.
The Lincoln Memorial- This beast of a fake beard is also referred to as the Abe-Face Sandwich in certain regions of Arkansas. The curious amalgamation of Lincoln’s famous face-do and the rustic flair of the Handlebar Mustache will trick your quarry into thinking you’re some other guy following them in a crummy rented car while taking photos with a telephoto lens. We’ve all heard about the “out-of-work” porn actor look, but what about the “former-US-president-shot-by-Booth-ending-up-in-biker-hell” look?
The Neck Blanket (AKA Neck Swaddler or Cthulhu s Nest)- This type of facial hair is less helpful as a disguise and more about hiding overly large Adams apples or rampant goiters.
Old Tymmy Villain- Need to tie a screaming woman to a train track and have no idea what kind of facial air to sport? Cliché? Yes. Appropriate for outings in the country? Double yes.
The Hemingway– This is a variation on the Santa Claus, trimmer, closer to the face with tighter curls, also know as “wisps” or “cute little fanciful man hairs”. This look would be marvelous for traveling up the Amazon, lion taming or participating in the Spanish Civil War as a foreign correspondent/ belligerent drunkard.
Mike’s Hair Lounge– The look sported by famous hand model, Mike Dubois between the years 1960 and 1971. A more streamlined variation on the standard goatee, Mike’s Hair Lounge is a red velvet jacket in a sea of rented tuxes.
Mike’s Hair Lounge’s Retarded Brother- In this version of Mike’s Hair Lounge half of the beard is missing.
Revenge of Mike’s Hair Lounge’s Retarded Brother– This version of Mike’s Hair Lounge’s Retarded Brother is completely invisible.
The Floridian- A swath of hair that juts proudly from the chin of the wearer into the Atlantic Ocean of one’s personal space. No hanging chads here, just morsels of undigested food stuff.
The Muskrat- Unlike the Bigfoot In Love or the Lonely Sandinistan Rebel, the Muskrat cannot be used to fight evil but only for mischief (be sure to read the label on this one as any deviation from said usage will result in electro-shock and or long term bladder issues) much like real muskrats who are known as the Assholes of the Animal Kingdom.