Archive for May 13th, 2008

Dateline Hollywood U.S.A. (AKA MagicTowne): Will Ferrell will star in yet another pseudo-sports movie, this time an animated feature called Spleens of Glory, in which he’ll play a cartoon spleen named Charlie who must win back his son’s affections by participating in a shuffle board tournament in a giant rectum. Jack Black will also star as Will Ferrell’s off-beat sidekick, Jerry Jerkface, another spleen with limited musical talent but a knack for being a complete asshole. Jim Carrey and Steve Carell will have supporting roles as a couple of gun-toting fart clouds.

When asked why he keeps doing these inane movies, Ferrell answered only by bursting into a mélange of characters from that touchstone of pop culture annoyance, Saturday Night Live, after which he jumped through a second-story window, screaming that his career was “out the window”, whatever that meant.

Spleens of Glory will be going up against some stiff competition this summer, in the form of Pixar’s latest cute-extravaganza, Sammy’s Giant Balls a movie about two irregularly-sized cartoon bowling balls who go on a cross-country journey in search of the man who created them, an ex-circus clown/muskrat porn star named Sammy. Jim Carrey and Steve Carell star as the two loveable bowling balls and Jack Black stars as Sammy, the clown with limited musical talent but a knack for being a complete asshole.

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Scott Brothers of Scott Brothers and his Catalogue of Curiosities and Bravo TV’s Top Hillbilly will finally be battening down his hatches and doing that which will make all Americans proud: something! When asked what this “something” might be, Scott was elusive at best, saying only that, “It’s going to be good. Really good. Full House kind of good. I’m talking the S&M episode, that kind of quality.” When pressed even further to reveal details, Scott began throwing large quantities of pickled herring at interviewers. Over the hail of herring, Scott jettisoned catchy phrases like, “Capital!” and “Good Show!” Pop Culture-stained phrases aside, Scott recently took the opportunity to make a short promo piece about the fact he is doing “something” which can be found here.

Anticipation is high, as doing “something” in the past has produced sumptuous results. For example: the music video for Nordic death metal band Cannibal Crotch, “I Stab Your Brains Then Eat Them Then Eat Some Lutefisk Then Stab Your Brains Again” and the gala TV benefit Crocheting For Peace in which inebriated host, Jerry Lewis, pretended he was retarded, dropped his pants and proclaimed that his penis was the Senator from the Great State of Rhode Island and that he was passing a bill for March to be Dean Martin month.

Although, by the end of the impromptu Q&A, Scott’s pessimism had gotten the best of him, proclaiming that this “something” will probably be a train wreck and that he should give up now because, “the universe is meaningless, it has to be. Why on earth would my gray slacks be labeled as both dry-clean only and machine washable?” Scott eventually fled on foot and was found days later in his home pantless and watching that show about midgets while eating peanut butter straight from the jar.

So now the question is: will this “something” remain “nothing” and why does anyone care when there is Piggyback Pontiff Racing on TV?

In the meantime, here is a recent photo of yukster Carrot Top, who looks to have ingested some sort of Hulk-inducing steroid through his anus. Enjoy!

The Catalogue

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