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Archive for April 16th, 2008

Blurbing For The Man

I’m often approached by strangers on the street with requests for blurbs because, as we all know, blurbs are all the rage these days. (Or as the kids say, “Blurbs are totally sick!”)[1]  But why approach me? What have I got that other Blurbers (that’s people who write Blurbs to all of you uninitiated out there) don’t? Well for one, I’ve been sanctioned by the United States Blurbing Council. My blurbs are often mediocre to good in quality and ordinary people would like to have personal blurbs that they can use on Facebook, MySpace and all of those other cyber meat markets that make lonely, self-loathing and suicidal people feel somewhat less lonely, self-loathing and suicidal. Blurbs are also extremely compact and travel well. They can fit into ones breast pocket or handbag. They often come with a complimentary towelet to use on ones hands after they have handled the blurb. Better than a resume and more engaging than personal recommendations–which are often lies anyway–blurbs can also help land you that job that six months down the road you’ll regret haven taken. Why should books and movies hog all of the blurbs, that’s what I say! So here are a few freebies. After this it’s going to cost you!

“One of the most thrilling people of the year! Like a giant cerebral laxative that won’t quit giving!”

“Imagine the love child of Gore Vidal and Samuel Beckett on a date with a midget smoking James Joyce’s ding-a-ling, all the while ensconced in a velvet robe hand-made by David Lynch and Thomas Pynchon, only to be drenched in the tears of William Gaddis and you’ll have only a hint of the utter brilliance of (name of person here)! A must see!”

“Hang on for the best thrill-ride-cum-romantic comedy-cum-sci-fi detective noir-cum-employee of Dayton, Ohio’s Der Weenier Shack, of the summer! Like a monkey farting into the abyss of Carl Jung’s gaping pie hole! I think I just wet myself!”

 “A mesmerizing tome of a person. Words cannot describe the sheer magnitude of this human being, although technically, they really should since this is a blurb and a blurb is a review of something, so yes their magnitude is as wide as Hannah Montana’s mind being sliced in half, then quartered, then cubed and finally severed atop a silver plate with garnish and fed to a horde of throbbing Young Republicans waiting for the Apocalypse! A must see!”

“Laugh-out-loud funny! Even better than that movie about retarded chickens! You’ll laugh yourself pukey!”
 
WE INTERRUPT THIS PIECE ABOUT FAKE BLURBS FOR A REAL/FAKE BLURB ABOUT THIS BLURB, ALL OF WHICH AMOUNTS TO A MOBIUS STRIP OF METAFICTION THE LIKES OF WHICH USUALLY LEAVES ONE LISTLESS AND YEARNING FOR SOMETHING “REAL”, I’M TALKING SALT OF THE EARTH NOT A BUNCH OF INTELLECTUAL BLOWHARDS THAT MAKE GRADUATE SCHOOL THEIR CAREER, WRITING PAPERS ON THE EXISTENTIAL RAMIFICATIONS OF SARTRE’S SOILED UNDERWEAR:
“Scott Brothers’ piece about fake blurbs is the final word on pieces about fake blurbs. Enthralling, enchanting, illuminating, scintillating, palpitating, regurgitating verbiage that speaks volumes about America’s obsession with fake blurbs. A must-see!” 
 
WE INTERRUPT THIS INTERRUPTION PIECE WHICH IS INTERRUPTING THE PIECE ABOUT FAKE BLURBS TO BRING YOU THE FIRST WRITTEN BLURB, PENNED BY RENOWNED AUTHOR AND FUNNY MAN, JONATHAN SWIFT JUST BEFORE HE WAS JAILED FOR HAVING SEX WITH A BANANA:
 
“Alexander Pope’s piece about London’s better bathhouses made me rejoice! A stunning tour-de-force of orgies and slight-of-hand. A horse and buggy ride of the highest caliber! I bellowed, I wept. Hazzah!”
 

[1] This actually happened to me one day when I donned my powdered wig and pantaloons and decided to take a stroll through the park. A very excitable young man ran up to me, arms flailing, absolutely raving about the blurb I did for this other “dude” (I’m not sure who this “dude” was that the young man was referring  to), declaring that it was “totally sick”. At first I thought he meant that my blurb was disgusting in some way; true it did contain the words “diarrhea”, “vomit”, “Alexander Haig” and “diarrheavomitHaig”, but it wasn’t until he was finished with his gushing that I discovered  he meant it was a great blurb, as in “that blurb was totally bad!” or “that blurb was totally dope!”

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